Two Mothers Vs One mother # Part 2

Two Mothers Vs One mother #  Part 2

 

Disclaimer: This is seldom discussed but thought deeply. Some may find it sensitive, to some it may seem biased/ one sided, for some it may be too lateral. These are my personal views. Not intended to degrade anybody. Read at your own emotional risk. Reader,s discretion is welcomed.

 

Ever since my childhood till high school, it never came to my mind that I was a girl and there were certain limitations/restrictions. I owe it entirely to the upbringing of my parents and my school. Whatever my elder brother was allowed, even I was allowed for example swimming, cycling, horse riding etc. In my eighth class, I had organized a trip with my class friends to “Appu Ghar” –Adventure theme park of our times. Momsie always addressed me by numerous pet names like- Raju, Chand, to name a few. Only when I entered medical school, during ragging time, I was hit by the reality of caste, religion and gender. Up till then, I was just a Cambridge School student in pursuit of knowledge. Leaving New Delhi, my hometown at age of seventeen, I was used to leading an independent, self sufficient life. Once I entered the second phase# quarter of my life, I got married to an awesome person with an amazing family. This was the second time, life hit me directly on my face (post high school days).

Overnight, my independent (thinking) status as a single account holder became a joint account status. Suddenly my shoulder,s started carrying the weight of two families and in order to strike a balance, I started losing onto my core being.  I often asked my parents, the importance of education and being independent, self confident, when one fine day it had to take a back seat and all that what would matter would be your spouse and in-laws. My parents would smile and comment, “One day you will realize the importance of your education, as it helps the person in leading a healthy, balanced life.”

Surfing the way of life, it dawned upon me that all the golden words by my Momsie-Popsie were the benchmarks. That knowledge helped me in staying afloat in this vast ocean of emotions and challenges. I realized the importance of hard work of my initial years # first quarter. Compiled the golden words with my personal silver words (Ha !Ha!) into a rule book which I advocate:

1)A daughter in law can be a very good daughter in law # never a daughter. Similarly, a mother in law can be a very good mother in law # never a mother. So it goes for father-in law and other relations. Let,s maintain the individual identity and dignity of each relation and not amalgamate. Everyone has only one mother and one father, in laws are Dharam maa and Dharam pita . Its beautiful this way. Don,t change the equation.

2)One should not expect too much from his/her spouse. Everyone has their own background and ways of expression. Don,t expect the other person to respond the way you respond. It will never happen.

3)Every soul is never hundred percent powerful. There is an Achille,s point in everyone. Identify,  as early as possible and avoid hitting that point. Else you are inviting wrath of the Gods.

4)Give each other enough space as breathing space is mandatory for healthy, prosperous growth. Don,t try to  be a parent to your spouse (they already have), be a friend, a lover instead.

5)Everyone has their own style and speed of handling things. Avoid imposing yours and making them feel incompetent/inferior.

6) Don’t strive for perfect relationships. Many a times, we drown under this tremendous pressure   It,s absolutely fine to have imperfect ones. The idea is to be “imperfectly perfect.” Howzzat!

7) Don’t, try to change your spouse. Accept them as they are. The sooner one learns this mantra, better it is for the relationship. Instead, work on your own self. Let,s be a better version than the previous day.

8)Don,t fall prey to this gender equality issues. God have created men and women from different moulds. To be compared, one needs similar parameters. In his case, they are entirely different. So, how can both be equated?? Rather, they are complimentary to each other- poorak hain , ek dusre ke”.

9)Restrain from posing your life as a fairy tale aka Yash Chopra types. Every relationship has its own flaws. Learn the art working on it rather than hiding it under the carpet. Let the glow be from within.

10) Refrain from aiming to be “Power Couples.” It,s absolutely normal to be a normal couple.

This Rule Book of twenty (ten from Part 1) has helped me immensely in my journey in this mortal coil. Each soul is on its own journey in this cosmic world. No two are alike. Let,s first accept ourselves as we are! Once, this is achieved, miracles happen.

I endorse that a child should be brought up like a child and not as daughters or sons! Once, this shift occurs in our mindset, most of the situations will be won. All it takes is just one thought for revolution to happen.

“ Aapo Deevo bhavo” Be your own guiding light!

Love,

Juju.

 

Two Mothers Vs One mother- Mother,s Day# Part 1

Two Mothers Vs One mother- Mother,s Day# Part 1

Caution: Sensitive write up. These are my personal views. Not intended to degrade anybody. Read at your own mental risk.

I came across numerous posts and shares on mother,s day. Picture and messages varied as per the age, financial & marital status. One posts which caught my attention was from a male gender who had posted picture with a caption,” Came to know today that women have two mothers and men have only one!”How true is this?? Really! Is this the kind of mentality we are dealing in 21^st century in a developing India! I am quite sure many of the male species might be harboring the same thoughts but somehow few are vocal about it.

Marriage is an institution, in which not only two souls get married but their entire family clan gets married in the bargain with an idea to have an extended family. The bride takes the responsibility of accepting her in-laws family as her own. Does the groom also has similar  feelings? I remember a famous statement which I read nearly two decades ago, in marriage, for a man, it is the end (in terms of settlement) whereas for a woman it’s the beginning. The very crux is paradoxical. The bride in her endeavor to be accepted as part of her new family makes all the efforts and goes beyond her strength to be accepted. In doing so, she many, rather most of the times forgets her family, her relatives and her friend. All that matters is her husband relations and his happiness. The same lady who is eager to get her son married changes colors as she realizes that her son is paying attention to his wife. The same lady who is a mother becomes a chameleon once the word “in law” is suffixed to mother. Now she sees the new entrant in the family as a threat to her position and her son. Thus, starts the whole melodrama like a soap opera serial.

In such times, both sides should exhibits maturity and understanding. As a new bride, she needs to understand her mother in-law psychology. Up till now, the mother used to hold a central place in her sons life. Now with his wife in his life, central axis has deviated. The mother in law being the elder one needs to understand the compassion the newlywed go through and should try to give them space and behave in a more compassionate way . Why does the daughter in-law seem to intimidate her?
“A marriage which lasts for seven years, will last for a lifetime”. This is a famous seven year itch in marriage. The groom/man needs to handle this new balance of two women in his life very meticulously so as to keep his life rocking. Else, it becomes a living hell. Everyone adopts some way or other to maintain this married balance. In this whole process, does the man realize even, there is another woman too – his own mother in-law whose acceptance towards her daughters husband is complete and unconditional. It,s never three women. By and large we must have witnessed similar scenarios. There are few golden rules which I have learnt from my Momsie and Popsie. They are as follows –

1)    Never try to change yourself in order to please others. Sooner or later, you will come back to your original nature, which we leave the entire in laws family wondering.

2)    Walk the talk. Whatever you want to convey, be assertive and stand by your words.

3)    Never criticize your in-laws in front of your spouse even if he does so, it backfires really bad.

4)    In case an unpleasant situation arises between your spouse and in laws, avoid being a mediator. In the end they will unite and the woman may feel lonely.

5)    Accept their way of living and once you have a say in the family, then try to make changes.

6)    Remind yourself daily that no one really cares about your family side, all they are interested is in their own happenings. Nothing to feel bad about, its normal human tendency.

7)    Maintain integrity, honesty, respect and faith.

8)    Remember, they are used to living in their lifestyle since many years, The woman should not expect them to change, rather adjust as much as possible with in her comfort limits.   No need to stretch too long as chances of breaking increases.

9)    Never go to bed with a grudge. Always go to sleep with a heart in gratitude mode.

10) Please do not think that since you are married, things will automatically work. One needs to work to make things happen. It takes years of patience, love, trust and acceptance.

 

It,s getting a bit longer, I will conclude here and continue in my next write up.

Marriage is like and institution. Please remember your vows and act sensibly. Then you will see the flowers blooming everywhere . For once, avoid touching MEN- Mouth, eyes, nose. Be like a WOMAN- regular Hand Wash , Observe social distancing, wear Masks, Avoid crowded places, No outside food.

On a lighter noted, Corona seems to have a XX preference.

 

To be contd... Part 2 coming soon,

Love,

Juju