Reader’s Choice Series # Children settled abroad- Part 2

Reader’s Choice Series # Children settled abroad- Part 2

Disclaimer:  Sensitive topic with aim of creating awareness. Any resemblance to any person or situation is purely incidental. Reader’s discretion is respected.

Preface: I had gone to meet my colleague to discuss a medical case. The conversation that followed was about children leaving their parents and homeland for greener pastures, settling abroad. Their parents are left behind waiting for them to return.

Every person wishes for a life based on his/her own choices. Where there is a choice, there is no place of regret. This write up request is by a special reader who has been a witness of my journey in literary world. In relationships, it’s always about understanding the other person’s perspective. There are numerous reasons as to why children settle abroad. In many cases, children want their parents to be with them too. However, parents do not want to leave their comfort zone. Do not blame your children for leaving their motherland. Parents don’t play victim card or go in sympathy mode.

Many of you may have different views, all opinions are respected. We are trying to analyze and understand this. Like one of my friend’s child says, “Maa, don’t start off with your Baghbaan.” (For those who are unaware, Baghbaan is an Amitabh Bachchan starrer hit movie where children don’t care for their parents in their post retirement phase and misbehave). For ease of understanding, I am sharing few key points for both parents as well as children. One cannot generalize, exceptions will be there. Be wise to pick, choose, edit, delete and add (T&C apply).

For Parents:

1) Children observe and absorb our actions more than our words.

2) Always praise your child and avoid criticism. Never make your child feel incompetent or small.

3) Refrain from these emotional blackmail statements,  “I am your parent, I know the best, ” “ I have done so many sacrifices for you”, “I have worked very hard to provide you a good education and environment ,” “I have built up so many assets that you need not work,” etc.

4)  How you behave with your parents will lay a foundation of how your children will behave with you in your old age.

5)  Remember you are not doing any favor; you are doing your duty as a parent.

6)  One of the most important thing is (it’s for men) -how you treat your wife. The best way to love your children is by loving and respecting their mother.

7)  Listen to your child, understand their needs and support them.

8)  The asset you are planning to leave after your death, please give them when they need. As parent, you are failing in your duty, if your child takes a loan and you just sit and talk about your empire. If they can’t use when they need, it’s of little use afterwards too.

9)  Stop sharing your success stories only, do share your mistakes and failures too.

10) Most important, keep the communication path open. Do not go overboard.

11) Prepare them for the road ahead. Do not prepare the road for them.

12) Once in a while, pause! Remember you were once their age,  how your parents behaved and the impressions you made and carried in life.

13) Have faith in your upbringing and trust your children. Don’t jump to conclusions.

14) Don’t feel insecure and be wise enough to step down from your throne at the right time and crown your Prince/Princess.

For Children

1)  Respect your parents and express your love on regular basis. As you grow into an adult, your parents are marching towards old age.

2)  Involve your parents in your plans and activities.

3)  Always keep in mind that your parents are your well wishers, most safe and secure space (exceptions are always there).

4)  Help them understand your decisions and make appropriate arrangements for them while you are away. Build a secure circle of friends and neighbours in case of emergency.

5) Never ever stop talking to your parents. Keep the communication channel open always.

6)  Make sure your children connect with their grandparents. Ensure enough calls – phone / video and physical trips to hometown (as per your financial strength).

7) Do call them regularly as these calls act like immunity boosters and escalate their self-confidence and esteem.

8) Remember, soul never ages, only the body ages. Make them feel important and never let them feel redundant. Ask your mother to cook your favorite meals/ tea once in a while. Ask your father to get your favourite things from market ( just like when you were a child)

9)  Most important- Hug your parents in a tight embrace. Such hugs have a positive effect on their cardiac health. That feeling of hearing your child’s heart beating close to your heart is priceless.

10) Visit them while they are healthy and create memories to be cherished.

There is no rule book as it varies from person to person.

My summation is –If your child plans to settle abroad, please support and don’t make them feel guilty.  Support them in living their dreams.

 

Love,

Juju

Reader’s Choice Series # Children settled abroad- Part 1

Reader’s Choice Series # Children settled abroad- Part 1

Disclaimer:  Sensitive topic with aim of creating awareness. Any resemblance to any person or situation is purely incidental. Reader’s discretion is respected.

Preface

I had gone to meet my colleague to discuss a medical case. The conversation that followed was about children leaving their parents and homeland for greener pastures, settling abroad. Their parents are left behind waiting for them to return.

“I will make this place so comfortable for my child that he will never ever think of leaving this place. After all I have build up this huge empire for him. I will give him so many comforts, so that the thought of leaving his homeland never occurs to him,” said a fellow colleague with a smile. “Your children are finishing school. What have you decided for them?” He picked up his tea cup and started sipping tea and urged me to take my cup too.  

I sipped my tea in silence. I could see him getting impatient and he remarked, “So, what is your plan to hold back your children from going abroad?” I nodded my head, placed my cup on the table and said, “My children will decide. My role as a parent is to support them and guide them. They should be the script writer of their own life. It’s important for them to make their own choices.”

My reply did not go down well with him. Unknowingly, I had challenged his ego as a parent. He immediately replied, “Your way is not practical, after all we are parents and it’s our duty to guide them. You are about to create a big mistake.”I smiled and replied, “Exactly, as parents it’s our duty to guide them and not control them. One should know the difference between the two. Look, my monks have their independent mind and we as parents respect their decisions.” He was taken aback and said, “Don’t you love them? How can you do this?” I replied, “Obviously, I love them so I respect them.” Now I knew I had to withdraw as this was taking shape of an argument than discussion. “Tomorrow, if they say, they want to settle abroad, will you allow them?” he pestered. I folded my hands and got from my chair to leave. He said, “Please don’t leave. Let’s close it.”

I remembered story of King Suddhodana, leader of Shakya clan, father of Prince Siddhartha who later became Gautam Buddha. At his birth, it was predicted that the prince would either become a great world monarch or a Buddha – a supremely enlightened teacher. The Brahmins told the King that Siddhartha would become a ruler if he was kept away from outside world. The rest everyone knows. Times have changed, great Kings and dynasties have come and gone, humans have evolved. Yet, I could see the soul of King Suddhodana in my reverend colleague. The greatest red flag here was the unseen undue pressure of a parent/ father being imposed on the child. In addition, the infra structure he was building and the money he was spending was again being thrown on the young child’s shoulder. As if the child had asked for such a huge white elephant (Here, referring to his workplace and finances.) Another red signal was controlling nature of the parent. Why do we feel the urge to control?  

I simply asked him, “Where are your parents?” He replied, “Oh! They are in the village. We have huge land there and my parents love their land and farming. In spite, of my repeated requests, they do not wish to shift to city. They are in love with their rural life. If they are happy, so am I,” he grinned as if he was the smartest and the most obedient child on this planet.

“So, you left your motherland and shifted base to city for a better life. Didn’t your parents object to this?” I casually remarked. “Why will they? I know what I am doing. Besides, being a super specialist, my growth is here in the city. My life will be ruined if I stay with my parents.I want to live life on my own terms.”  As he looked into my eyes, he could read the questions which were churning in my mind. And his attitude softened.

To be continued………( Part 2) 

Love,

Juju

Reader’s Choice Series # Children are separate units!

Reader’s Choice Series # Children are separate units!

Disclaimer:  Sensitive topic with aim of creating awareness. Any resemblance to any person or situation is purely incidental. Reader’s discretion is respected.

A recent conversation with a young man of thirty years with fifty years of life’s experience sparked this. He is a man of profound wisdom and believes in children being independent units, be it son or daughter. All of us start life as an individual and expand our circle as we grow up. Once married, the journey of separate unit kick starts. This person is truly broad minded as he speaks about children with no gender difference tags.

Let us clearly understand the very essence of human life. Life starts from a single or an individual cell and then it multiplies and takes a form. Once the cord is cut, the new born baby becomes separate/independent. As parents we nurture them, love them and try to give the best environment to grow up as per one’s capabilities. This love is pure and unconditional. However, deep inside as a parent one should always remember, children will move ahead in life.

This is the law of nature. Children do not belong to us. They are children of the future. Parents are via medium for them to start their journey on this blue planet. They are individual or separate units. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a son or a daughter. Both are separate units.

Tree and plants nurture flowers and fruits. Once they are ripe, fruits are plucked and same is for flowers. Have you observed, if one doesn’t pluck the fruits once ripe or flowers in their bloom? They tend to wither even though, they are still firmly attached to their parent plant. The parent plant/tree which nourished the fruit/ flower is unable to continue the same process. Why does this happen?  The answer lies in this law of nature. Every single life on this planet has a purpose. Once that is achieved, life has to leave for higher journey.

The awareness, I want to create is about our children being individual units. We have grown on this thought process of daughters as separate units (In majority of households still they are brought up with this mindset.) A daughter who is married seems like a threat to the same household where she was born and brought up. Why is it so that our trust dwindles? Is it because she becomes a separate unit or is it about the man she is married to? On the contrary, one tends to consider son as a common unit or maybe an extension. His wife seems less threatening.

We need to stop and rethink- Do we need women empowerment or it’s the other way round. Women are already an empowered species. The need of hour is educating men on how to handle their powerful counter parts. Male and female are two sides of the same coin created by God. They can never be compared. Both are unique with individuality of their own.

Let’s stop competing and start contributing. Embrace life with open arms and cherish it while the heart is beating and breath is moving.

Love,

Juju