Dear Readers,
Sharing another story from my book number 18 ,Those Broken Whispers Volume 1- Physical Book Launch & Signing at Kolkata Literary Carnival (KLC) 2024, Day 2- 13th Jan'24
Pre-marital
counselling
Things I
want to fix in marriage.
This is the relationship which tops
the list in missing out spoken words thereby accumulating broken whispers.
“Marriages are made in heaven and
solemnized on Earth.”
If this is true then how come
marriages go sour? Why do many relationships become ugly. The most pious,
multi- faceted, bag full of emotions defines marriage. Even if we think we do
not expect from marriage, yet we do expect a word of praise or appreciation
from our spouse. After more than two decades living in my marriage household, I
take this opportunity to give voice to my broken whispers. Before these
whispers break me, I will break them and set myself free.
- Can marriage be really fixed?
Girl is new in her in laws house.
She has been brought up in an entirely different way and has a mind of her own.
Time is required from both parties for adjustments. The onus is always on the
groom (boy) as the girl has followed him into this new household.
A briefing must be done by him about
the nature of members, their habits and triggering areas. Refrain from
comparing your wife with your mother or sisters. Please remember you have been
raised in this house and have spent your initial years with your family. This
doesn’t make them right and me wrong. Never leave your wife with your mother
for long. Chances are your own mother will fill her with negativity about you.
Mothers seldom like their son spending
time with their wives. Though in case of their own daughter, the story is exact
opposite. The boy should never criticize his wife with his parents for too
long. This creates space in the marriage, your personal and married life
becomes a subject of discussion.
Learn to love your wife, respect
your wife. A girl is treated in the household by the way her husband treats
her. Make your wife your priority. She should come before everything else. Same
holds true for husbands too. Give your spouse time to adjust a new individual
in their space. Differences are bound to happen as simple as one spouse likes
to keep toothpaste down while other like it upward. Give one another sufficient
time.
As a rule of thumb, never ever show
your displeasure whenever your wife wants to visit her parents. Please
understand she has spent her childhood. Overnight, she has to change her entire
environment.
One needs to give time to adjust . avoid praising someone else’s spouse in front of your own spouse.
This gives rise to unnecessary insecurity and disturbs harmony.
There are many things I wish I could
fix in this phase of married life. The comparison with your sisters, insulting
the stuff which comes from my parent’s side, disrespecting my parents to
doubting the authenticity of jewels given by my parents.
When your younger sister disposed
the photograph negatives of our honeymoon trip (our sole memory), nobody told
her she had done wrong. Her ego has always been bloated and given importance. I
would fix and get a lock for our room. Room was the only space I had for
initial decade. My room has been cleaned in my absence including my cupboards
and dressing table. Many a times, our room has been used as guest room. I want
to fix this Why can anyone use your sleeping space as a guest room?
On our wedding night, I waited for
you to enter the room but mother-in law sent your sisters who were too eager to
help me undress and change into nightwear. I wish we could have done this. You
don’t like when I speak with my parents or sisters!
The list is long and painful. Temper
tantrums, fight during meal times, hitting our children with the intention of
“If I hit your children, you feel more pain than if I hit you. To inflict pain,
it’s better to hit your children.” I could never understand whether children
were ours or mine?
As I walk down the memory lane, many
such incidents keep popping up. You were quite vocal of aborting my second
pregnancy as I had some complications causing absence from my work. In spite of
having a C section, your mother went on a holy trip to pay offering to God
leaving me alone with two children aged 6 years and 3 days old to handle the
house all by myself. Why no one, I mean either you or your father intervene? It
was always the same story that Mother in-law is stubborn and she doesn’t listen
to any person.
So many times, I was instructed to
cut short my trip to my parent’s house because of some emergency reason. Only
to come back early and learn the truth that your mother had to go for some
non-specific, routine ultra important trip and they needed someone to cook and
take care of the house. She gave be few thousand bucks for taking care of your
father, house in general and cooking. Thereby sending a message loud and clear that
the house belonged to her and I was only a guest.
I realize that I have crossed these
hurdles with courage and wisdom. At times, I feel there are many things which I
wish I could fix and at times, I feel this was my perception of right and wrong
which made by spouse seem like a torturer.
The last nail in the coffin was
untimely demise of my mother. You behaved coldly and remarked, “Everyone has to
go. This is the law of land, written in our scriptures. Yesterday was someone
else parents today yours, tomorrow someone else.” I was shattered by the cold
shoulder. You expressed hatred so much so that you skipped her Prayer meeting.
Here I want to stress for all new
generation entering into a matrimonial alliance that the thought “Marriage is
an Institution” is the eternal truth. It needs to be built up by both partners
on a foundation of respect, love and trust. If the foundation is strong, you
will weather all storms of indifferences.
One may feel, the onus is on the
groom, and it seems correct too. But one needs to remember that even for him,
it’s the first time. Many a times, boys do not get pre-marital counselling as
much is given to a girl. A balanced approach with good pre-marital counselling
is the need of the hour. So that we can have less of broken whispers and more
of happy souls.
Do leave your comments.
Love, Juju .