Two Mothers Vs One mother # Part 2

Two Mothers Vs One mother #  Part 2

 

Disclaimer: This is seldom discussed but thought deeply. Some may find it sensitive, to some it may seem biased/ one sided, for some it may be too lateral. These are my personal views. Not intended to degrade anybody. Read at your own emotional risk. Reader,s discretion is welcomed.

 

Ever since my childhood till high school, it never came to my mind that I was a girl and there were certain limitations/restrictions. I owe it entirely to the upbringing of my parents and my school. Whatever my elder brother was allowed, even I was allowed for example swimming, cycling, horse riding etc. In my eighth class, I had organized a trip with my class friends to “Appu Ghar” –Adventure theme park of our times. Momsie always addressed me by numerous pet names like- Raju, Chand, to name a few. Only when I entered medical school, during ragging time, I was hit by the reality of caste, religion and gender. Up till then, I was just a Cambridge School student in pursuit of knowledge. Leaving New Delhi, my hometown at age of seventeen, I was used to leading an independent, self sufficient life. Once I entered the second phase# quarter of my life, I got married to an awesome person with an amazing family. This was the second time, life hit me directly on my face (post high school days).

Overnight, my independent (thinking) status as a single account holder became a joint account status. Suddenly my shoulder,s started carrying the weight of two families and in order to strike a balance, I started losing onto my core being.  I often asked my parents, the importance of education and being independent, self confident, when one fine day it had to take a back seat and all that what would matter would be your spouse and in-laws. My parents would smile and comment, “One day you will realize the importance of your education, as it helps the person in leading a healthy, balanced life.”

Surfing the way of life, it dawned upon me that all the golden words by my Momsie-Popsie were the benchmarks. That knowledge helped me in staying afloat in this vast ocean of emotions and challenges. I realized the importance of hard work of my initial years # first quarter. Compiled the golden words with my personal silver words (Ha !Ha!) into a rule book which I advocate:

1)A daughter in law can be a very good daughter in law # never a daughter. Similarly, a mother in law can be a very good mother in law # never a mother. So it goes for father-in law and other relations. Let,s maintain the individual identity and dignity of each relation and not amalgamate. Everyone has only one mother and one father, in laws are Dharam maa and Dharam pita . Its beautiful this way. Don,t change the equation.

2)One should not expect too much from his/her spouse. Everyone has their own background and ways of expression. Don,t expect the other person to respond the way you respond. It will never happen.

3)Every soul is never hundred percent powerful. There is an Achille,s point in everyone. Identify,  as early as possible and avoid hitting that point. Else you are inviting wrath of the Gods.

4)Give each other enough space as breathing space is mandatory for healthy, prosperous growth. Don,t try to  be a parent to your spouse (they already have), be a friend, a lover instead.

5)Everyone has their own style and speed of handling things. Avoid imposing yours and making them feel incompetent/inferior.

6) Don’t strive for perfect relationships. Many a times, we drown under this tremendous pressure   It,s absolutely fine to have imperfect ones. The idea is to be “imperfectly perfect.” Howzzat!

7) Don’t, try to change your spouse. Accept them as they are. The sooner one learns this mantra, better it is for the relationship. Instead, work on your own self. Let,s be a better version than the previous day.

8)Don,t fall prey to this gender equality issues. God have created men and women from different moulds. To be compared, one needs similar parameters. In his case, they are entirely different. So, how can both be equated?? Rather, they are complimentary to each other- poorak hain , ek dusre ke”.

9)Restrain from posing your life as a fairy tale aka Yash Chopra types. Every relationship has its own flaws. Learn the art working on it rather than hiding it under the carpet. Let the glow be from within.

10) Refrain from aiming to be “Power Couples.” It,s absolutely normal to be a normal couple.

This Rule Book of twenty (ten from Part 1) has helped me immensely in my journey in this mortal coil. Each soul is on its own journey in this cosmic world. No two are alike. Let,s first accept ourselves as we are! Once, this is achieved, miracles happen.

I endorse that a child should be brought up like a child and not as daughters or sons! Once, this shift occurs in our mindset, most of the situations will be won. All it takes is just one thought for revolution to happen.

“ Aapo Deevo bhavo” Be your own guiding light!

Love,

Juju.

 

Two Mothers Vs One mother- Mother,s Day# Part 1

Two Mothers Vs One mother- Mother,s Day# Part 1

Caution: Sensitive write up. These are my personal views. Not intended to degrade anybody. Read at your own mental risk.

I came across numerous posts and shares on mother,s day. Picture and messages varied as per the age, financial & marital status. One posts which caught my attention was from a male gender who had posted picture with a caption,” Came to know today that women have two mothers and men have only one!”How true is this?? Really! Is this the kind of mentality we are dealing in 21^st century in a developing India! I am quite sure many of the male species might be harboring the same thoughts but somehow few are vocal about it.

Marriage is an institution, in which not only two souls get married but their entire family clan gets married in the bargain with an idea to have an extended family. The bride takes the responsibility of accepting her in-laws family as her own. Does the groom also has similar  feelings? I remember a famous statement which I read nearly two decades ago, in marriage, for a man, it is the end (in terms of settlement) whereas for a woman it’s the beginning. The very crux is paradoxical. The bride in her endeavor to be accepted as part of her new family makes all the efforts and goes beyond her strength to be accepted. In doing so, she many, rather most of the times forgets her family, her relatives and her friend. All that matters is her husband relations and his happiness. The same lady who is eager to get her son married changes colors as she realizes that her son is paying attention to his wife. The same lady who is a mother becomes a chameleon once the word “in law” is suffixed to mother. Now she sees the new entrant in the family as a threat to her position and her son. Thus, starts the whole melodrama like a soap opera serial.

In such times, both sides should exhibits maturity and understanding. As a new bride, she needs to understand her mother in-law psychology. Up till now, the mother used to hold a central place in her sons life. Now with his wife in his life, central axis has deviated. The mother in law being the elder one needs to understand the compassion the newlywed go through and should try to give them space and behave in a more compassionate way . Why does the daughter in-law seem to intimidate her?
“A marriage which lasts for seven years, will last for a lifetime”. This is a famous seven year itch in marriage. The groom/man needs to handle this new balance of two women in his life very meticulously so as to keep his life rocking. Else, it becomes a living hell. Everyone adopts some way or other to maintain this married balance. In this whole process, does the man realize even, there is another woman too – his own mother in-law whose acceptance towards her daughters husband is complete and unconditional. It,s never three women. By and large we must have witnessed similar scenarios. There are few golden rules which I have learnt from my Momsie and Popsie. They are as follows –

1)    Never try to change yourself in order to please others. Sooner or later, you will come back to your original nature, which we leave the entire in laws family wondering.

2)    Walk the talk. Whatever you want to convey, be assertive and stand by your words.

3)    Never criticize your in-laws in front of your spouse even if he does so, it backfires really bad.

4)    In case an unpleasant situation arises between your spouse and in laws, avoid being a mediator. In the end they will unite and the woman may feel lonely.

5)    Accept their way of living and once you have a say in the family, then try to make changes.

6)    Remind yourself daily that no one really cares about your family side, all they are interested is in their own happenings. Nothing to feel bad about, its normal human tendency.

7)    Maintain integrity, honesty, respect and faith.

8)    Remember, they are used to living in their lifestyle since many years, The woman should not expect them to change, rather adjust as much as possible with in her comfort limits.   No need to stretch too long as chances of breaking increases.

9)    Never go to bed with a grudge. Always go to sleep with a heart in gratitude mode.

10) Please do not think that since you are married, things will automatically work. One needs to work to make things happen. It takes years of patience, love, trust and acceptance.

 

It,s getting a bit longer, I will conclude here and continue in my next write up.

Marriage is like and institution. Please remember your vows and act sensibly. Then you will see the flowers blooming everywhere . For once, avoid touching MEN- Mouth, eyes, nose. Be like a WOMAN- regular Hand Wash , Observe social distancing, wear Masks, Avoid crowded places, No outside food.

On a lighter noted, Corona seems to have a XX preference.

 

To be contd... Part 2 coming soon,

Love,

Juju

Road map# Map of life

Road map# Map of life

A routine call to my Popsie always results in new meaning of life and leaves me enriched and energized. A routine well being call was channelized towards challenges of life. The relevance of one,s past experiences and their validity in present situation.

The way our grandparents, parents were raised, the way my generation was raised and the way generation next are being raised seem like a whole new world. The methodology, the environment, the access to technology has evolved at a mind blowing speed. So, as parents how correct is it to repeat our own experiences again and again and expect our children to follow the path which we chose. Are we happy and contented with our lives? If yes, then children will automatically grow as strong individuals

It,s high time all of us understand that our children are individuals. Please do not try to force  them into some preset molds. Let them evolve at their own pace and time, let them spread their wings, explore different spheres and settle at their own will. As a parent, beyond a certain age, one needs to be a friend more than a parent. Nobody like a bossy person around! Do we ?? Children are no different.

Looking at life from a distance gives a whole new meaning. Life is like a road map where origin and final destination are fixed. As a child, it seems like a simple two-four-eight lane road, just moving ahead, learning new things, acquiring new skills and learning to become self sufficient and self reliant. Once you zoom past the teenage years, one finds at cross road junction, so many roads ahead. Please bear in mind, there is no U-turn at this point. In fact, in road map of life there is no U-turn. Once you steer your wheel on a particular road, you find more avenues and lanes. It seems like a perfect network and resembles network of our nervous system. Fine, intricate nerves represents small kuccha roads, whereas the larger nerves represent four/eight -lane road. There are left turn, right turn, round-about. We keep on moving ahead on these roads for few decades. Towards the fag end of life, road seems to be merging with the sky. The traffic lights, road sensors, highway lights keep us motivated and speed -brakers are pausing moments where one can reflect on our journey.

Just imagine the veins on a leaf or pattern of roots of a tree. Everything follows an orderly pattern. When the sun sets, it helps the moon to shine. And at dawn time, moon recedes and lets the sun take over the charge. In nature, everything is well synchronized as they follow nature,s law. Mankind has harbored few vile like greed, ego and anger which are like invisible hand cuffs. The more conscious one becomes of nature around, one can learn effortlessly. “Mother nature” is the apt term as like a mother it nurtures us and takes care of us. We should be a gratitude mode and use resources intelligently.

It is of utmost importance to choose your calls wisely too. Instead of discussing topics like ,when will corona virus go? When the vaccine will be available? or keeping a track record of positive and negative covid case etc. Lets fill ourselves with positive energy so that whatever over flows with be positive.

Remember ! two negatives, make a positive. As we sync our mobiles with other gadgets , lets pledge to sync ourselves with mother nature and soon a better, healthier, cleaner, happier world will re- emerge.  It,s going to be dawn of  mankind like never before

Love and care,

Juju

Momsie Pospie,s words world:

Momsie Pospie,s words world:

Going through my bookshelf at my workplace, I stumbled upon my personal diary which holds few initial chapters of my novel. Towards the end, I had penned few pearls rather the essence of my parent,s teachings which I learnt in last four decades. In every house, there are certain principles and theories about life, few common terminologies. I will mention few of my all time favorites.

1)    Boarded/Landed: Whenever someone boards a flight/ train, one is supposed to text our Popsie boarded and on reaching their destination as landed.

2)    Agree to Disagree: In family or personal discussions, most of times we lay our cards and mutually agree on our disagreements. Hence, less arguments, more understanding.

3)    Listen to your child: My parents strictly endorse this. Emphasis is on listening to one,s child, make oneself available and provide an environment where the child can express freely without being judged.

4)  Be a good listener: Don’t be in a hurry to show off what you know. Always listen to what the other person has to say. The whole concept is to learn from other person.

5)    Jitna nahaye: utna punya paaye. This was generally used in relation to our flying visits.

6)    Everything is on my way: If one really want to do something whole-heartedly, one will find a way. Else, there is no shortage of lame excuses. 

7)    An effective communication can resolve /dissolve any misunderstandings.

8)    It is not important what you speak, important is how you speak and how the other person recieves. Your body language and your tone is the key. It is important to reach to the other person and keep him/her in same wavelength.

9)    Live in the moment.

10) In relationships, if you want it to work, you will always find a way. A small candle can do away with darkness.

11) Focus on your main goals: Don,t let smaller goals distract you from your path. All actions and work must be towards the main goal.

12) If you will think about it, you will be able to do it: everything starts from a thought.

13) A girl,s maiyka is by her brother and bhabhi, parents shower their love and blessings.

14)  One of my favourite,” Raju!, if you are happy ,we are happy.”

My popsie is a Senior Advocate (law graduate), did MBA from Delhi University, recommends management books by Peter F. Drucker - modern management guru. My Momsie was a double M.A. & B.Ed. who always taught us to follow the formula of “Simple living# High thinking.”

Love you Maa from this world to your world: till we meet : up there: again.

Happy Mother,s day !

Love,

Juju 

( Aapki Raju)

 

 

 

 

Virtue Vs Vile # Gratitude Vs Ingratitude

Virtue Vs Vile # Gratitude Vs Ingratitude

Since few days, an audio clip and newspaper cuttings are going viral. Seems society is in ingratitude mode towards the highest serving community of this universe – doctors. Somehow, spending money on movies in multiplexes, spending on lavish clothes, houses etc has become a necessity whereas paying a doctor,s fees ! Oh Gosh! It seems like their birth right has being snatched. How can a doctor charge a fee? After all, the poor patient has come to the doctor because of his/her illness needs sympathy. With opening of liquor shops and rise in economy graphs, one wonders whether this is a reality! How can we expect a civilized behavior from unconscious, sleepy minds drowned in vile of liqour.

Since, times and ages this has been the behavior and doctors are taken as easy/soft target. A person who spends nearly fifteen years in becoming a sound accomplished doctor (including high school years too) has lot of compassion and patience. Doctors are soft at heart hence easy targets. Doctors are united, but their duty is above everything else. Being a doctor is a choice. In fact, I feel it’s a religion in itself. We have our own world where we are happy and contented.

Few (rather many) restless souls who are un-thankful and vile, have mutant envious genes in them. They cannot digest the fact that doctors always seem to be calm and in control of their situation (mind).Virtue and vile go hand in hand just like a coin -Virtue(doctor)# vile (poisoned society). If one wants to remain positive, one must forgive and forget such incidences .One should remain calm and complain to concerned authorities.

There is a famous saying” Truth always prevails.” Once you know the intention is to malign you, stay clear. In these testing times, be prepared for the worst (everyday). The effects of Lock down 3.0 have started showing up in the society. With relaxation, people will vent their pent up emotions and frustrations on health care professionals, police force etc. When one feels the crisis has been tided over, they start showing their true colors. “Let go” of such incidents is the best policy. Meanwhile, prepare a fool proof strategy at state and national levels with one,s respective associations.

Buddha says, “If we don’t accept what is given (gift/bad words) by the other person, then those things remains with the other person.” So, why worry! Keep your remote in your own hands. Our children should also realize that problems exist everywhere, magnitude may vary. One should see everything in totality and then take a decision. Brain drain as it was called way back in eighties /nineties, now its talent drain (meaning is the same) Nobody can stop anyone from moving to greener pastures - it is the law of nature. Each one should remember their own duties and rights and their purpose in life.

My Popsie,s favorite statement ,”Things can,t happen as we wish : they happen as HE ( god) wishes.”So, keep calm, let no one destroy your inner peace. It will take few centuries before mankind awakens from their deep slumber. Till then, be the change, you want in others. Let,s spread positive news and not be disheartened by negative news. I will conclude with my favorite Serenity prayer, 

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change: the courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.”

Love,

Juju

Till death do us apart # Lockdown 3.0

Till death do us apart # Lockdown 3.0

This vow “Till death do us apart” and marriage solemnized with fire as witness for seven births, I find these intriguing. Where one believes in togetherness till last breath, other one believes in a carry forward till next seven lives.

The relationship with Corona lockdown also seems to be quiet long, shore is nowhere in sight. The concept of social distancing has not yet seeped in. Every one moves with a thought process that he/she is immune to this virus. It,s the job of the government to save us. What attitude? Amazing! One should have faith and follow the guidelines issued by the government.

Social distancing has several aspects, not only being confined to your home. There is physical distancing, minimum arm breadth, there is social distancing in terms of no get-togethers, no parties, going to malls/ movies. Another important aspect which has been missed out is social media distancing. Keep safe distance from negative news, forwarded messages (without checking their authenticity), other social media sites. If we do so, there are fairer chances of remaining in positive frame of mind. It has become a trend to share pictures of whatever one is doing (In my case, I share my write ups), cooking experiments clicks/videos, online speeches, old memory shares etc. The whole concept is to keep oneself engaged in an activity so as to kill boredom and remain active. The best thing which caught my attention was online tambola, where there is even money transaction via Paytm zindabad!  Inspite of the physical distancing, there is one to one connectivity at the digital level.

Everyone is trying to make the best of this time so as to keep oneself in a progressive frame of mind. Family dance videos, college dance videos, awareness videos/speeches are in abundance and these make us feel connected as human beings at digital level. Each person is contributing in this pandemic in some way or the other, besides our main frontline warriors. Salute to teachers who are continuously upgrading themselves and taking online classes to engage students. Even children find a purpose with online classes and a sense of satisfaction. 

Special mention of educational webinars which are happening in a pandemic pattern. Everyday, there are so many webinars schedules, one feels as if all other work will be done with a magic wand. One should just sit with tea/coffee with laptop and mobile. 

Being confined as family has its share of ups and down with different moods swings pattern. I feel children are doing much better with their lives – they have good time management skills, elders on other hand are trying out different recipes for this stay vacation at home. Spouses are realizing that finally when sun will set, they will have each other to cherish. In special cases, people are realizing that their shores will be different when it will be dusk time. Realization is happening at all levels in all spheres. For some pre lockdown and lockdown time period is more or less the same, as their lives were already in quarantine mode.

This is my 50^th write up, I am also evolving and transforming every moment.  Famous metaphors/phrases which were gold standards earlier, have new meaning. This will require another dedicated write up.

Lets adopt/ modify our lifestyle and habits as these times are actual “Game changers”.

The changes which no one could bring in us have been brought by tiny micro organisms who have a motto of “Humans! It,s high time for you to give up this callous attitude and abusive nature.” Lets pray that all of us sail through this with a healthy lifestyle/habit and a progressive, positive  thought process with a vow to oneself that we will continue with these modified change s even after this pandemic crisis is tided over. “Till death do us apart and even beyond “.

Stay safe# stay indoors.

Love,

Juju

 

 

 

Cambridge School # My alma mater

Cambridge School # My alma mater

Lock down is doing wonders in every sphere of my life – personal, spiritual, emotional, innovative, creative. The tape of my life is in auto-rewind mode and  every day gets stuck in one particular time zone and I start seeing the film of “My Life “  like a spectator. This time my tape rewinds to forty years ago and I can see a beautiful, huge grey blue multi-storeyed building in Srinivaspuri, Ring Road, New Delhi. Oh ! that,s my alma mater –Cambridge School whose motto is ‘ We learn to serve”.

As I enter my school, I am greeted by our security guard whose moustach was one of its own kind, rolled till cheek, cut into square shape at end – typical Rajasthani style. The guard has an ear to ear smile and allows me in. I see a huge open area where a number of buses are parked with numbers E-1 to E-18, all DTC buses which run as school buses in morning and when school gets over. I enter in a huge reception area where Mr. Arora, our receptionist greets with a smile and hands over paper and pen to write my name and purpose of visit. There was pin drop silence with only sound of professional leather men’s shoe one after another. Oh gosh! Principal Sir, Dr. B.K. Nair is on school rounds. My heart starts beating faster and faster. Suddenly, our Vice Principal Sir, Mr. Sinha comes and takes me to my class room. My first teacher Ms Kewal Rumani, tall slender built clad in a neatly pinned up saree with spectacle and a tight hair bun. She has a very stern yet a gentle expression. “ So, you are a new admission, welcome to Prep A and take your seat.” (Since, its in sub conscious mind, hence tense is present).

From here my life,s most beautiful journey commenced, which made me what I am today and I am very proud of all my teachers, school friends and everyone who touched my life during that time period. Teachers were strict yet gentle. Principal Sir seemed unapproachable on other hand Vice Principal Mr. Sinha Sir was everyone,s favorite, more like a friend. The value of chewing food thirty two times before taking the next bite was drilled in our prep class by Ms Kewal Rumani who had an eagle,s eye during lunch break. There were no CCTV camera,s yet all the teacher,s knew about all of us- maybe their third eye.

Discipline was a way of life. Morning assembly started with Sanskrit recite of ‘ Sangachhadam, samvd… and dispersal on beat of school band to Jana gana mana adhinayak ji ho ……..song.  A huge bronze bell hung in the central courtyard which screamed when period was over and went on dong -dong once school got over. Never realized how school years just went by. Few friends left school in early classes, few joined in later classes, our class sections increased from five to eight. All through these years, Verma book stall and Guptaji,s canteen were like rock steady through out. 

There are so many teachers, I want to express gratitude to. To name a few,  Mrs. Nair, Mrs.Verma, Mrs.Mathur,Ms Dutt, Mrs Dutta, Mrs. Dhingra, Miss Bindu Jain, Mrs. Renu Satija, Mrs. Kalucha,  Mrs. Rathoori, Mrs. Watal, Mrs. Raikhey, Mr. Mathur, Mr. Srivastava, Mr. Deva, Mr. Khurana, Mrs. Beena Jain, Mrs. Anand, Mr. Rastogi, Mazumdar Sir, Dance Sir, Thapa Sir, Khatri Sir, Gulati Sir, Ms Relen , Mrs. Kalsi, Mrs. Kaul, our British Librarian Mrs Carol Sharma, Singh Sir- Crafts,Mrs. Sharmila, Mrs. Bhalla, Mr. Karanjanwala. My memory can,t recollect all the names (please forgive me my noble teachers in case I missed your name).

Our school had students from every religion, caste and every place in India. Unity in diversity was an unwritten law.  Our main concern was learning and other extra-curricular activities. Principal Sir made sure we had a versatile exposure with regular inter-house activities, annual day, Annual sports day. From plays by Barry John- Spic Macay to dances by Raja & Radha Reddy to elocutions/ debates at Ramakrishna mission, students had an all round exposure.

After so many years, rather decades, thanks to social media, our batch got connected and we made a whatsapp group. Since lock down, interaction has increased and feeling of “Back to school” has seeped in. So, thought of penning own my thoughts. My heartfelt thanks to my friend who encouraged me to wear spectacles in class, my friend who cheered when I had orthodontic treatment,  my friends who tolerated me when I was a class monitor ( a real harsh and strict one).One of the cherished memories is trip to “Appu Ghar” in class eight. Around fifteen to sixteen friends in two cars – one was Manit Jain,s ( remember Manit! ) and other one was mine. All of us had a gala time. Special thanks to each and every classmate in this beautiful, memorable journey.

Going down memory lane, has made me much more aware of how I behaved at that age. This is really helping me in understanding my children,s behavior.Feeling of nostalgia is sweeping over. Fingers are not moving on keyboard (Awwwh!)

I forgot to mention our Sister,s clinic at end of primary block near our magnanimous ground. Sister Elizabeth was a trained nurse. She had colored medicines with tangy minty aroma for stomachache , fever and cough. She was an expert in applying throat paint. We had dental checkups by a dentist who  was a hairy doctor with thick moustache and spectacles. When our class turn came, everyone was scared of their cavities being detected.

Hoping to meet all of my friends soon once this Corona crisis is over.

Take care,

Love,

Juju

(Reemanshu)