The Unforgotten Longing

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The Unforgotten Longing

Life is unfolding in front of my eyes moment by moment, months by months ,years by years. There are many missing pages in my story. My heart yearns to remember them fondly, somehow tears roll down my cheek bones.

My heart goes out to the eight month pregnant lady who was a witness to untimely loss of her father. The woman who gave birth to a bonny baby boy who did not survive and was buried as per religious customs and she could not attend the burial. These memories haunted her till the last breath that maybe her son was actually alive while everyone buried him. Her heart ripped at the mere thought of this possibility ( which was of course never there)

I can see my school friend in basket ball ground of middle school crying after missing school for two weeks, only to reveal that she had lost her father suddenly due to heart attack while he was chatting with her and her sister. I can see the pain in my friend,s eyes, my best friend Kamaljeet when she shifted to Long Island ,New York. I could see flames arising from pyre of my childhood friend Meena, who had lost contact once she got married only to see her obituary in newspaper when I was in medical school. 

My grand mother,s figure draped in white in back yard of my hostel room, bidding me farewell and after few days my parents revealed that my nani had left for the higher journey the very next morning (I had seen her- strange).The unseen (smiling) faces of my nephews who left this world during intra uterine life.

My junior in my residency days who died in train and we got a call from Director,s office summoning us to go to Mumbai CST railway station to collect his body. The long ordeal of paperwork, collection of body, postmortem, embalming and finally dropping him at airport. That was the first time I witnessed postmortem of someone so close. Something inside broke and I became a changed person. I started believing in life after death.

There are many more happy moments. Somehow, as I see my life all the painful incidents seem to have been stitched together. The dusk time is striking a melancholy chord. I try to fast forward the few losses and the tape gets stuck on 18 June, 2015 evening 6 pm- when I witnessed the most painful experience loss of my mother in my own hands,my lap, in front of my eyes. I changed. With her, went a part of me and I felt incomplete.

No solace or comfort was enough rather, is enough still. Each evening as the sun sets, the memories automatically start moving like a slideshow.  I have got used to this and send my love to the other world.My mother chose me. Maybe she thought I was the toughest. She left on a happy note as she was a contented, soul who was waiting to cross over the other side to meet her parents, brother and her first son- Happy.

In august 2016, my closet friend shifted base overseas. I survived this jolt gracefully.

Meditation has helped me immensely to overcome this Unforgotten longing.

I quote my favourite lines- Aadat song from movie Kalyug:

Juda hokar bhi tu mujh me kahin baaki hai, palkon par bann ke yaad, ......chali aati hai.......

God bless you.

Love,

Juju

Comments

Daisy said…
Your post made me cry, made me emotional. There is magic in your writing.
April 27, 2020 at 12:11 PM
Dr sue said…
The tapestry of events is so vivid and has made you a stronger person .. 🙏
April 27, 2020 at 8:20 PM
Pooja said…
I can feel every bit of it
April 27, 2020 at 9:09 PM
Dr Nidhi Gupta said…
I want a post based on happy memories too
April 27, 2020 at 10:11 PM
Neetu said…
The losses and the helplessness remind us that we are just humans and teach us to love what we still have.
April 27, 2020 at 11:02 PM
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