It's always about you # Never us!

Reader's Choice # Stop comparing!

Reader's Choice # Stop comparing!

(P.S. The name of reader in Reader’s Choice blog write ups is never disclosed. Any close resemblance to anyone is purely incidental. In this write up, I will dwell upon marital relationship from girl’s viewpoint to honor Reader’s request).

Fingers of our hand are unequal in length. The purpose of each finger is different. Do we ever compare our little finger with our thumb or fore finger? Never! The answer is so obvious. Then why do we compare ourselves with others in many aspects. One tends to compare houses, vehicles, income, family, children, their college etc and even relationships. Two different souls with entirely different backgrounds tie the nuptial knot with a promise to live till last breath and beyond. Initial euphoria gets settled and reality hits both of them. In patriarchal society, the girl leaves her house, surname and gives her best shot to whole heartedly accept the boy’s family. (Exceptions are always there.)The boy is used to his own home’s style and sees a girl’s world through his mother or sister’s eyes. This forms the crux. The girl he is marrying to has a different set of eyes. There are bound to be differences. To top it, there is a basic genetic difference in their physical and mental outlook. A little bit of understanding, patience and acceptance can help in smooth sailing.

The girl’s life undergoes a major change. Besides, adapting to house habits, food habits there is another important thing – adapting to language, tone and pitch of the members. The tone and pitch of one’s words can be interpreted in different ways by the recipient. Louder tones sound rude and cause hurt. Few differ and believe, “It’s the content what matters and not the tone”, easy to say but difficult to practice.

Coming back to comparing topic, turbulence sets in when the boy compares the girl with his mother or sister or friend’s wife. This leads to souring and obviously the relationship smells. Everyone is a unique creation of Almighty, how can anyone doubt this. It can lead to feeling of inadequacy and incompleteness. How this habit leads to gas lighting, one can really never know.

A request to all couples, please accept your spouse as he/she is, don’t try to change – you will not only waste your energy but damage the bond too. Books which I recommend to all couples are "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", "Hundred things, I wish I knew before I got married, "Momsie Popsie Diary- Tea time chit-chat on living life."

Each one is unique and is different. Unconditional love and acceptance is the key.

Secure your own key.

Love,

Juju

Reader's Choice # Appreciate the living

Reader's Choice # Appreciate the living

(P.S. The name of reader in Reader’s Choice blog write ups is never disclosed. Any close resemblance to anyone is purely incidental.)

Many a times, one gets so lost in the memory of someone real close that one tends to ignore the living. The power of human mind has not been harnessed as yet. The memory of those who have crossed over into another realm outweigh the reality.  Thoughts of deceased one, keep on playing in one's mind and all the moments of association seem to be sewn together in a shorter time frame. The thought traffic is so much that it leads to slowing of neuronal signal traffic. A grieving heart cannot see beyond the grief. Many a times, one identifies the mistakes done with the deceased soul, and unknowingly repeats it with those living. It is of utmost importance to learn from past experience so as to not commit mistakes in the present.

Covid pandemic has been a witness to countless untimely deaths in various age groups. In my outer circle, a young death happened. Their family members were in a state of shock. The same shock in third degree relatives caused few whispers. Generally, during such times, the talk centre’s around destiny and fate. There is repetition of the course of events which lead to early mortal exit of a noble soul. Things get so whisked up and family tends to disconnect with present. It takes a man of great wisdom to break this spell and motivate the rest of the family to be aware of present and plan accordingly.

The grief should not outweigh the love for other living members. Else, it causes scarring in once so called beautiful relationships. Grieving is a let go mechanism and is important, but more important is to cherish the living, May God be with all of us and bless us a clear vision. Always remember, to be God loving and not God fearing. Love creates miracles.

Love,

Juju.

Reader's Choice # Fault in stars

Reader's Choice # Fault in stars

(P.S. The name of reader in Reader’s Choice blog write ups is never disclosed. Any close resemblance to anyone is purely incidental.)

It’s a normal human tendency to find fault exteriorly whenever something goes wrong in our lives. It’s so easy to look outside and needs immense courage to dwell inside. Gradually, one tends to label it as “It’s all in my stars, not my fault.” This one phrase seems to erase the guilt. Is it really so?

My work place’s tranquility was broken when a friend literally barged into my office, visibly disturbed and murmuring, “He always does this to me, it’s my fault, my destiny is star crossed, I have faulty stars and so on. As a pro active reflex, I played my favorite Buddhist chants and ordered two cups of strong milk tea. After pacing my office for few minutes, she eased and sat on my reclining couch. I did not utter a word and patiently waited for her to speak up. She started off with the usual difficulties one faces while living in a joint family, issue of maid servants, division of labor, mismanagement and so on. For every wrong doing, she was felicitated with the blame garland. Nothing new seemed to be coming up. I slowly sipped my tea and waited for the final volcano to erupt. Suddenly, tears started rolling down her cheeks and she uttered,” The fault lies in my stars. Whatever I try to do rebounds back and shatters me with a greater force than the previous one. Every time, I feel I am back to square one. Nothing seems to have changed over the past two decades.” I just listened quietly without any interruptions. Gradually, her verbal energy dissipated and she started sipping tea. Only glances were exchanged.

I spoke slowly and calmly, “Every time, you react in the same way, then how can you expect a different outcome. Why blame the stars?  Stop labeling these as problems and label them as situations.  Nothing is permanent. Be pro active and try to handle these situations in a different way. Stop looking at the same door. God has made many doors for you. You need to open other doors. And I promise, the outcome will be different”. Before, I could finish the last word she wiped her tears, hugged me and smiled. Further she spoke, “Now I know that I owe this and don’t have fault in the stars. There is no fault. All this while, I have been looking at the same door, ignoring others doors. Now is the time to open another door.” Tying her hair into a knot, she left my office. The stride in her walk told me she has finally learnt the lesson of “Walk the talk”, I have been endorsing since a time immemorial.

“A lot can happen over tea.”

Love,

Juju

Reader’s Choice # Father-son: the less spoken about relationship- Part 2

Reader’s Choice # Part 2

Father-son: the less spoken about relationship

P.S. This is not a gender based write-up. Name of the person on whose request this has been written is strictly confidential. It's a lengthy write up for a blog hence, it is divided into 2 parts.  

 

Many a times, father asserts his position and power which doesn’t go well with his children. There is hairline difference between being assertive and dictatorship. Many a times, father’s behavior is judged as dictatorship by his own children especially son. Daughter’s tend to bend /bow down whereas as a son may confront. It seems like you are against your own self (a thirty years younger version). 

Children learn by imbibing what they experience. Parent’s actions and conduct leaves a lasting impression than their words/preaching. In an attempt to prevent the child from committing mistakes, which parents did at the same age as that of their son's, usually an urgency or impatience creeps in which disturbs their mental state. The child's growth chart is always different from his parents. Let this chart be original. Everyone learns in his own unique style. 

“While you thought nobody was watching you: I watched you!’’ This silent message is in the mind of every child. So, be conscious of your own actions as a responsible adult/parent. If the child doesn’t see you respecting your own parents, no amount of schooling or motivation will let the child respect you. If a child doesn’t see you behaving well with your staff or general public, he will think of it as a normal way. Do lay down correct moral values. Be a role model for your child. In between father and son, none should try to enter, be it mother/wife or sister/daughter. A father's heartbeat can be heard in his son's chest. All pain vanishes if someone is hugged at the right time. Precision of timing is also important. A father should try to inculcate soft emotions too. 

“Angry young man “phrase has been always shown as a sign of macho man whereas a compassionate, lively man is always portrayed as second in lead – as hero’s best friend. I often wonder that during the entire film, the hero tries his best to be with his lady love and has to face all obstacles and villains. Whereas, the so-called chilled out friend hangs out with his lady love throughout the length of the movie. Although the friend is not glorified as a hero yet, he seems to be living a happy fulfilled life on his own terms. The hero under the ‘macho man’ burden spends his energy and time in fighting to live a peaceful life.

My humble message to all the fathers – Be the man/human being you want to see your son grow up as. Your son is watching you, imbibing your actions. You are under the radar all the time. Be more of a friend, more of a guide, more approachable. The time machine is ticking and soon your son will outgrow you in stature and position. Look at yourself and make the changes in your own good self, which you think your son needs to change. 

There is no perfect parenting book. No prefect father son relationship. It  is based on a concrete foundation of love, faith and trust.

Hope you elevate your relationship to the highest level.

Love,

Juju.

Reader’s Choice # Are we non judgemental enough !

Reader’s Choice #Are we non-judgemental enough! 

In this Reader’s choice series, request is to highlight body shaming

(P.S. The name of reader in Reader’s Choice blog write up is never disclosed. Any close resemblance to anyone is purely incidental.)

God has taken every bit of care to create unique living beings. We, the highly evolved human beings have somehow forgotten this and try to judge each and every thing, aspect and God's creation too. Birth and death, day and night, hot and cold, dry and rains, greenery to deserts, everything on this planet co-exists. The essence lies in the existence of other realm. Somewhere during the evolution, one part of being non judgmental has become rudimentary and being judgmental has hypertrophied.

Right from the time a soul takes a mortal form, so does the judgement of our society. One is judged on basis of color, sex, caste, creed, weight, height etc. There are different judgment parameters for age groups and sex. In males, height, weight, education and income figures top the list. Whereas in females, the toppers are color, weight, height, cooking skills, grooming etc. Education and income figures are towards the rear end in the list. Later on, the leading questions are age of marriage, children, post delivery weight gain issues and so on.

Body shaming has gained importance recently. Women are vocal about it and are boldly condemning it. A women’s body goes through a lot of changes from the time she enters teenage till child bearing. Each one is aware. Majority of the women judging other women have undergone these changes too. Surprising or shocking! (Can’t even think of an appropriate word).

In our beloved society, people care about us, much more than one can think about themselves, how one lives, and with whom etc ? How does one dresses up, their physical appearance and so on and on. They feel it is their moral duty to tell a overweight lady that she needs to lose weight for her own good self. Imagine! What a way to do social service? Most of the times, the person giving advise has BMI more than normal range. Such acts lead to undue building up of stress. This is evident as seen by rise in mental issues. 

I conclude by a quote which needs to be ingrained in every living mind, “If you have nothing nice to say to someone, better to keep your lips sealed and smile.” Every one deep down knows everything. Please refrain from making the person aware of it. The most soothing word is a word of appreciation. If you can’t appreciate, it’s absolutely fine. But, please don’t judge.  

Let’s pledge to be non judgy.

Love,

Juju

Reader’s Choice # - Father-son: the less spoken about relationship- Part 1

Reader’s Choice # Part 1

Father-son: the less spoken about relationship

P.S. This is not a gender based write-up. Name of the person on whose request this has been written is strictly confidential. It's a lengthy write up for a blog hence, it is divided into 2 parts. 

 

Father! a person who readies the child for the world, who is generally busy in working to provide a comfortable life for his family. A figure who spends most of his time working out of the comforts of home while his wife looks after their house and family. The relation between father and son is multifaceted and multi dimensional. There is a popular saying, “By the time, I realized my father is right, I have a son who thinks I am wrong.” One realizes the depth of this as one attains maturity. If one goes down the pages of history, one can find innumerable stories about mother’s love, but there are very few about father’s love.

Men are not expressive by nature. The actions like hug, embrace or kiss are in dictionary of only a handful few. The heart yearns to embrace the son, but some unseen force, stops them from doing so. This can be attributed to their upbringing. Normally, a child rushes in arms of the mother, very rarely of father. If one gets hurts, the first exclamation is of mother’s name. Men being outdoor personality and providers are made to believe they are strong and infallible, whereas on the other hand, woman who are nurtures and care givers are thought to be kind hearted. This has lot to do with their single hormone which governs their masculinity. Women are governed by two hormones which make them vulnerable.

A father often sees his younger self in his son. In order to prevent his son from doing the mistakes which he did in his younger days, a father tends to be more assertive and tries to dictate his son. He fails to remember that though his son is chip of the old block, he is an individual too. The son’s primal need to be recognized and accepted as an individual, if not fulfilled, leads to many tiny areas of conflict.  

My Popsie says (in context of father),” One needs to understand that, while narrating incidents which happened twenty or thirty years ago, one should ponder, do they hold any relevance in the current scenario? Are they in any way beneficial to his children? Do remember, the times, the circumstances were entirely different from what your children’s generation is facing now. ” If one tends to see things in this perspective, there will be less communication errors with the next generation. Another point my Popsie advocates is ," Be a listener. Let your child complete what he/she wants to share. Do not interrupt or be in a hurry to answer. The child should feel at ease while talking to his father. Learn to listen patiently. Don't listen to answer."

Sharing a cute incident, which happened few years ago. I took my little monk (my son) to the doctor's clinic for an injection. The nurse casually remarked, “Don’t even think of crying, men are numb to pain (mard ko dard nahin hota).’’ My monk embraced me and said, “Mom, I am afraid and I do feel pain. Is it something to worry about?’’ I hugged him and said to ignore these baseless talks. As humans, one tends to feel pain as it is nerve related. It’s time we stop labeling man as strong and woman as weak. A child should be brought up like a child and not as son or daughter. Once, this change happens within us and around us. Gradually, we will hear more of father son stories too. 

Hope you elevate your relationship to the highest level.

To be continued as Part 2...

Love,

Juju.